In Times of War and Despair
by elite-kunoichi
Summary: 52 themes. Kel, Neal and Dom face internal and external battles. The concequences of allowing an emotionally unstable Neal to fight proves to be dire.


**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own it, them, her, or anything but the plot.

a/n: I know I should be focusing on my other fic, but I've reached a wall for that. Hopefully I've executed this well enough.

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**Times Of War And Despair**

**1. The Calm**

Everyone was feeling restless, agitated. Kel was stationed with the Queen's riders, third company of the Own, and a few of her knight friends to protect a fief on the outskirts of Tortall. A battle was expected to rage against spidrens and their accomplices, trained Scanran soldiers, the last of them.

**2. Duty Bound**

Neal stood beside Kel, drumming his fingers against his shield. Prior to them leaving the secured walls of the fief, Neal had argued with Raoul as to why he couldn't join the battle. Raoul wanted Neal stationed away from harm in order to tend to wounded soldiers.

"The Queen's riders and the Own Healers are enough." Stated Neal. He had been couped up in a work room for the week tending to menial tasks of healing. He wanted to fight. To fulfil his duty as a knight.

**3. One's Loss**

Raoul steered Neal away from the listening knights and Own. At the time, Kel had been more than aware of the real reason. Only she could hear wisps of the conversation carried by the breeze.

"You're not stable right now, Neal"

Neal's expression darkened at his implication.

"I am more than capable at fighting right now"

"No, you're not. You will be reckless, angry, taking it out on the enemy, forgetting skill, but instead rampaging."

Raoul was aware that Neal's wife's first born had just passed into the peaceful realm 3 months prior to its birth. He'd reached the note from his father, Duke Gareth, informing him of the miscarry. He'd been moody, bitter and angry ever since.

**3. Aware**

When Neal received the letter, Raoul had already been informed; hence he released Dom of his duties to tend to his soon to be distraught cousin. Kel was also informed to arrive at Neal's quarter.

**4. Family**

Dom had watched Neal open up the letter excitedly; he'd always enjoyed news from home. Dom, growing up, had witnessed many things, many tragedies, but the ones that hurt the most always involved Neal. When Neal's elder brothers passed away whilst fulfilling their duty as knights, Neal's life crumbled as grief struck him to his knees gasping for air. It was as if the world suddenly rested on his shoulders, forcing him to drown in his tears.

Like then, Dom carefully picked Neal off the floor, removing the letter from his hands and pulled him into his embrace. He didn't hush him, reassure him or speak. He just let his little cousin silent, angry tears soak up his shirt.

**5. Tears**

Kel hadn't knocked. Simply entered quietly. When Dom looked to her, he was startled by her grave expression. Neal was her best friend, so was Yuki. Her face was pale and her eyes looked to have wept not too long ago for both her friend's losses.

**6. New**

Kel walked hesitantly towards Neal. She had to admit, she'd never seen Neal truly in anguish, or despair.

**7. Anxiety**

Dom slowly disentangled himself from his cousin, only to have Kel wrap her arms around Neal. At the contact with Kel, Neal let out small gasps of sobs as she sat him on his bed. Kel attempted to calm him down, this wasn't good. Anxiety seemed to seep into his body.

**8. Comfort**

Kel looked to Dom, who had placed him self on the other side of Neal. He held his cousins hand and only then started to murmur words of encouragement, of comfort, of hope.

**9. Yamani tongue**

She remembered how Yuki once confided in her that Neal always felt at peace when she recited a nursery rhyme in Yamani

**10. Repetition**

Kel began with a low hum, suddenly wishing she had her mother's musical and soothing voice, and then began to sing softly in Yamani. Startled, Neal looked to Kel, pale and blotchy. Kel gave him a reassuring smile. He looked so tired, so slowly she let him fall on his back, lankily sprawled onto the bed. She too followed his actions, so she lay right next to him, smoothing his hair, continuously, watching as Dom followed her action, still holding Neal's hand. The three lay on their backs as Kel hummed and murmured the song in Yamani. Over and over again.

**11. Sleep**

It wasn't until 2 bells that she looked to find Neal's eyes closed, brow furrowed in a restless sleep. But sleep nonetheless.

**12. Lying right there**

Dom smiled softly when he looked to see his cousin and Kel sleeping. Dom still held Neal's hand, knowing his cousin needed a sense of comfort while he slept, or he'd wake up anxious and feeling alone. Hence, Neal lay slightly curled, facing Dom, resting on Kel's arm as she had her other arm placed on he friend's abdomen. Dom felt the slight tickle of Kel's outstretched arm brushing his hair ever so slightly.

Smiling he closed his eyes, projecting Kel's voice singing in Yamani, also soothing him.

**13. After **

The days that followed were quieter. Neal kept his head buried in work, from morning till night. He never seemed to eat unless Dom or Kel were there to coax him.

**14. Night**

When the torches were lit, Dom and Kel would make excuses and invite themselves in Neal's room. The two would converse and reminisce, attempting to lighten up Neal's mood. They kept him company until he had to throw them out. Both knew that once they left, loneliness and despair would strike him down. And this time alone.

**15. Company**

That next night, Dom informed Neal that he would be requiring a new room to sleep in. when Neal demanded why, Dom informed him of the latest prank, making him and his quarters the victim. Neal begrudgingly agreed, muttering to himself about the lack of privacy and what not. But honestly, he was somewhat grateful.

Kel smiled as she left the two for the night bickering with Dom insisting that he share the bed rather than sleep on the floor because the night would be chilly.

**16. Sparring**

The reason for Raoul's assumption of Neal losing his head in battle was because he'd witnessed it in the training grounds. When the young man finally left his workroom to spar, he'd release his pent up frustration and anger in the battle, resulting in his sudden loss of skill, which forced him to the floor, a losing stance.

**17. Rank**

"I am not under your command. I am a knight, free to fight at my own will, which is what I will do." said Neal coolly to the knight Commander and Giant killer.

"Fine, do as you wish Neal. But don't ever pull rank on me, because I outrank you" replied Raoul before walking away, leaving the suddenly shamed face knight standing alone.

**18. Waiting**

Kel watched as Dom moved his horse beside Neal's. His look at the knowledge of Neal partaking in battle was of disapproval, but he remained silent. It was a losing battle to argue with the stubborn knight, having watched Kel do so after Neal's encounter with his lord.

The three stood quiet and still, waiting for the upcoming battle. All that remained was the blow of the horn from the other squads to signal the beginning.

**19. Waist deep**

Kel swung her glaive once more at a Scanran, he proved to be a troublesome one, he'd held sufficient skill to pose as a threat. The battle had been raging for 3 bells, or perhaps longer. The sun was setting and the floor was almost covered in bodies. Kel hoped the majority were Scanran. Kel expected the battle to wind down in less than a bell's time, it was getting dark, and the enemy was thinning out. Her body was screaming from the pain. She knew it would be covered in cuts and bruises, but hopefully nothing serious.

Peachblossom rose on his hind legs, crushing the Scanran with a satisfying crunch.

All the while she stayed near Neal, watching over him and aiding him.

**20. Watching over you**

Dom stayed near Neal for as long as possible, but being sergeant and leader of a squad of his soldiers required him to turn his attention elsewhere. He was glad that Kel always stayed in his sight, though.

He also made sure to watch over her, though he didn't need to, he couldn't help it.

**21. Blood thirsty**

Neal's body was growing weary. Maybe he should have remained in the infirmary. While he would still be exhausted, he wouldn't have to worry about being constantly under attack. He let out a string of curses as a tall, muscular blonde Scanran swung his sword at Neal.

As the two fought, swords clashing, alternating between a defensive and attacking stance, Neal noticed the crazed look in his opponent. His mouth was hanging open, thrilled. His eyes steely but excited, thirsty for blood.

**22. The Fray**

When Neal struck the crazy Scanran, the blonde let out a series of curses, insulting Neal and his country. This resulted in the Scanran soldier, taking the attacking stance, trying to recklessly land blow after blow on the knight.

**23. Provoked**

"You know what I'm going to do once we win?!" yelled the Scanran.

Neal ignored him, making sure his defence was solid, waiting for his moment to attack.

"I'm going to rape your woman. Your wife. Your babies –"

Neal felt his anger sore at the mention of his wife and babies, or lack of; engulf him in a mad fury.

Dropping his sword, he threw himself at the soldier, taking back his opponent by surprise, pummelling his face with punches, until he heard a satisfying crunch, the dislocation of jaw and head from spine.

**24. Caught**

When Neal stood over the body and turned to retrieve his sword, he gasped.

He looked into the eyes of another Scanran before him, then glanced down at the dagger in his belly.

With a satisfying look, his new attacker withdrew the dagger from Neal and began fighting another tortallan soldier.

No one took notice of the fall or the fact that his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

**25. Tortall's Victory**

She hadn't noticed it at first, being distracted with an opponent. But when she turned she didn't see Neal. She returned her focus on what seemed to be her last opponent, as the Scanran's fled, realising that their alliance with the Spidrens wasn't formidable enough to defeat Tortall knights.

Kel let out a gasp of pain as she was struck in the left arm. Grinding her teeth, she swung her glaive like she did in her morning practices. The metal let out a shrill as it swung so fast it was just a blur, then striked her opponent's belly.

Swift, deadly, but not so clean.

**26. Down  
**

When she saw his body on the floor, crumpled, her breath caught in her throat. She forced Peachblossom to a gallop. There were no more Scanrans. Most lay on the floor, their blood mixed with Neal's.

**27. Calling**

Although the battle had ended, when Dom heard his voice being shouted, he knew something was wrong.

He turned and faced Kel, kneeling in the distance. He searched the grounds for Neal, but couldn't find him. Then his eyes fell on the body in her arms. He felt his heart suddenly stop beating and his breathing stop. Silence filled his ears. It took all his might to break out and call for a stretcher, then ran with all the energy he could muster to his Cousin.

**28. Bystanders**

Kel and Dom anxiously watched the Healer rip off Neal's armour and clothing. They felt helpless. Utter helplessness.

**29. Shock**

Kel looked to Dom to notice his short breaths and shaking body. He'd never seen Neal so fatally damaged. No one had. He was always the careful medic.

Kel felt Dom stagger beside her. Her hands shot to his waist, steadying him, only to realise he too was suffering from exhaustion. She let him place his hands on her shoulders to steady himself.

**30. Doubt**

She watched as he lowered his gaze to hers. His look was full of desperateness. She realised he was looking at her to be reassured. And she did, she sat him down on a near bench, telling him everything would be ok. That Neal would make it through.

Even thought doubt clouded her mind.

**31. Stopping **

When she heard the Healer call for assistance, she knew Neal was not faring well at all.

When she realised that the Healers were short staffed and all busy, she knew that the end was near.

"We're losing him. His heart beat is slowing, his breathing is non existent." Said the healer to Kel. "I can't waste all my healing on him, there are others with a more likelihood of surviving. I'm going to have to stop on him."

Dom, over hearing, jumped with outrage. He attempted to grab the Healer, and sock him, but was pushed aside as another stretcher entered the tent.

**32. Composure**

"Fine," replied Kel coldly, side stepping the Healer, ready to take control. She would never just stand by and watch her best friend die. She would never forgive herself. Yuki would never forgive her.

Up to this point, Kel had practically dislocated herself from the situation in order to keep her emotions in check. In order to remain composed, to not breakdown in tears, in anxiety, in defeat.

**33. Substitute **

Kel brought her palm down onto Neals chest, pressing him, trying to activate his heart, keep it moving. She pulled her palm away from his chest. The process was repeated, and continued to be repeated.

**34. Desperate **

"DOM! Go find the Lioness! Someone!" she ordered, desperateness leaking into her voice.

She watched as Dom ran out of the Tent, screaming out the Lioness's name.

**35. Lacking**

When Kel placed her ear over his mouth, she felt no breeze or tickle. She felt no breath. Anxiously and shakily, she checked for his pulse. But she couldn't find any, either.

**36. Elixir of life**

Kel pulled Neal's blood matted head back, and then opened up his lips, trying to breathe life into him.

**39. Answering**

"Come on, Neal. Come on!" she muttered as she pressed her palm against his chest.

She'd been doing so for a quarter of a bell. Her arms ached, but so did her heart at the possible loss, which kept her going.

All the while, she desperately prayed, begging for a miracle. Waiting to be answered.

38. **Fisting**

""I'm sorry, but he's practically left this realm. We'll be needing this stretcher" said one of the Rider's ward staff.

"Wait!" ordered Kel, anger seeping into her tone.

She didn't watch him stalk off. Instead she felt her compressed anger explode.

"Just get up meathead!" she ordered fruitlessly.

Frustratingly, she brought her fist down, slamming it into his chest. Fist after fist. She was sure she'd broken a pair of ribs, but she didn't care. So long as he woke up.

39. **Beacon**

Anxiety welled up inside her at his unresponsive body. It lay blood stained and ragged before her. He hadn't twitched, gasped, let alone reacted to anything.

Her beacon of hope faded with each passing second.

40. **Defeat **

Kel felt her legs give way before her. She tried to control her ragged breathing, but instead she realised she was gasping.

"Please Neal! Wake up!" she begged quietly, tightly gripping his shoulder.

After a few seconds, she let go in defeat, slumping on the floor.

41. **Purple**

"Get out of my way!" roared the lioness.

Everyone quickly made room for her and watched with awe as her hair began to spread from her rubber tie, electrified. Her eyes turned dark violet and her body began to glow.

Dom grabbed Kel and moved her away from the lioness and his cousin.

**42. Bleeding**

"What's taking her so long?" asked Dom impatiently, running his hand through his hair.

"I'm not sure" replied Kel.

They stood pacing outside the tent. Darkness hung over them. The Lioness had been in there for 3 bells.

Kel glanced at her fingernails to find them warm and sticky. Her fingernails bled from the scabs she had picked whilst she waited anxiously.

**43. Chill**

"Kel, sit down"

Kel nodded and silently sat beside Dom on the ground outside the tent.

The summer's night held a small chill.

The two leant on the other, for warmth, for comfort, for support.

**44. Lullaby**

"Would you sing me that Yamani nursery rhyme?" asked Dom softly.

Startled by the question, it took a few seconds for Kel to nod her head in agreement.

Her volume didn't rise above a gentle whisper as she murmured the words in his ear, lulling him into a not so fitful sleep.

**45. Choice**

It was well past midnight when the tent flap opened and out staggered a dishevelled Lioness.

Dom and Kel jumped to their feet, awakened by the sudden noise.

"How is he?" asked Dom.

"Thanks to Kel, he is still somewhat here."

"Somewhat?" repeated Kel.

"I've done all I can to keep him in this realm, its now up to him to choose. I tried to drag him back, but it was as if something or someone was calling to him, holding him back"

Kel and Dom looked to each other in confusion.

The lioness continued. "You better pray that he doesn't decide to leave us. There would be nothing I can do. I have healed him physically. It's now up to his mentality."

"Can we see him?"

"Yes, by all means, talk to him as if he were awake. I am beyond exhaustion. Inform me of any change"

After that, the Lioness walked off to her tent to collapse into a restless sleep while the lady knight and sergeant entered the tent for the first time in hours.

**46. Dead line**

A silence fell on the 2 warriors as they faced the dishevelled appearance of Neal.

Dom was the first to break the silence by grabbing Neal's hand in his. Slowly and awkwardly, he began to converse. This time he didn't reminisce. He just informed Neal of their victory, the enemies defeat, and that if the Meathead knew what was good for him, he'd better open his eyes in the next bell.

Kel sat on the stool and watched. A tired smile graced her lips. Her beacon of hope was reignited. Neal could still make it, she reassured herself.

**47.** **One last time**

But he hadn't. It was almost morning and Neal still hadn't awakened. Dom drifted in and out of sleep as Kel sat beside Neal's stretcher. She had taken the liberty of whispering into his ear, narrating their page years, trying to remind him why he should stay. She retold him every single event, from their brawls with Joren, to his pathetic attempts at poetry. Once she finished that era, she moved onto their squire and knight years. She informed him of the Owns antics, his cousin's humiliating moments, and the time she had abandoned her duty to Tortall to save the children of New Hope. She also told him how thankful she was for him being there, that half of the group of children, soldiers and residents of New Hope wouldn't have made it without his healing abilities. Then she told him about Yuki, which included all the stories she could remember during her life in Yamani, up till the happiness at the knowledge that Neal had become her Yamani friend's betrothal.

Kel took a sip from her flask, wetting her parched lips. Her voice had grown hoarse, and her spirits dampened.

She attempted one last time. She tried to sing him the nursery in Yamani, but her voice

croaked. Instead, she whispered, "Please Neal, wake up. There are so many people who would miss you, Yuki especially. She would never forgive you for giving up so easily".

Her eyelids grew heavy as exhaustion took its toll, sending her to a deep and uncomfortable sleep.

**48. Silence**

The next morning, Raoul had entered the tent. After enquiring after Neal's state, he ordered Kel and Dom to return to their tents, change their attire, break their fast, and then go on patrol, rather than stay in such a confined area, brooding. He also insured that he would keep them informed of the progress.

After finishing their bread, meat and dried fruit rations, Kel and Dom mounted their horses and went on patrol. They were silent for the majority of the trip.

Kel looked to Dom and realised how pale he looked, his hands were also shaking slightly as he gripped the reigns.

"Dom, are you feeling alright?"

Dom shook his head, she watched as his face turned yellow and he hastily dismounted from his horse, running to the nearest bushes. Kel stayed back, waiting for the retching sound to stop. It was probably the after effect of battle, shock and the sudden consumption of meat.

When Dom emerged, Kel also had dismounted and tossed him her flask, which he drained. She watched as he crouched to the ground, gurgling the water, trying to remove the bitter taste from his mouth.

Kel crouched beside him, trying to offer some sort of invisible comfort. They stayed in that position for a quarters bell before Dom stood up and dusted his breeches with a small smile.

"Thanks Kel" he said quietly.

The two headed back to the site the same way they came, in silence.

**49. News**

After reporting to Raoul, the two requested to go see Neal.

As Dom went to open the tent flap, he was stopped by a healer.

"You can't come in right now, we're quite busy" said the weary looking healer.

"What's going on?" asked Dom frantically.

"We've just lost 2 soldiers. It was quite sudden and unexpected-"

Kel and Dom's faces turned white and both their hearts skipped a beat at the statement. Dom pushed passed the Healer angrily, Kel followed, praying that of the 2 dead soldiers, Neal wasn't among them.

**50. Empty**

When Kel and Dom approached Neal's supposed stretcher, they looked in horror at the empty spot before them.

"No. no. NO!" growled Dom, bringing his fist slamming the empty bed. There was no sign that Neal once lay there.

Kel's mask cracked. This couldn't be happening, but her eyes didn't lie. An empty bed signified a dead man. It meant that it was waiting to be used by another, by a living being.

Kel hadn't seen Dom cry before. She hadn't heard his low wail either. She simply hadn't ever thought that she'd see him in such a state. Slowly, she approached him and removed him from the bed. Strangely she was calm. Detached. She had removed herself from the situation and remoulded her mask during his outbreak. She would grieve later, in private.

Kel slung her arm around Dom, providing some sense of security.

"What on earth is going on here?" demanded the Lioness.

Dom, bottling up his emotions and grief for that brief moment met her eyes then glanced at the empty bed, then back to her, as if it was enough for her to understand the situation.

Lioness's eyes turned hard.

"Follow me"

Kel and Dom followed the lioness down the tent, passing wounded soldiers, but giving none a backward glance. Both were caught up in their own world.

When they'd stopped walking, their eyes were focused on the Lioness's back, rather than their surroundings.

**51. Not so empty**

"Well," said Alanna impatiently, glancing down.

She turned to face the 2 distraught looking warriors with a small smile tugging on her lips.

"I wake up to find this woman drowning me in my own horrible tea, defenceless" croaked a voice.

The Lioness side stepped to reveal Neal propped on the bed, pale and weak, but awake.

Dom launched himself at Neal, shouting "Meathead" and laughing as happy tears replaced his anguish.

Seeing Neal alive made Kel stagger, her whole body sighed with relief, but with that sigh, leaving her body, so did her energy and her will to keep composed. She hurriedly left the tent, trying to keep her emotions in tact until she was well away from everybody.

Once she was outside and alone, she collapsed to the floor in a crouch. She didn't realise until it happened, but her eyes leaked tears and her nose grew runny. She was so glad. She hadn't been this scared in a long time.

When Kel heard footsteps, she quickly wiped her face and acted as though she had dropped a possession on the ground. She felt someone crouch beside her.

Kel looked up to see Dom's worried expression.

"Neal's waiting for you, but since he's made us wait all night, I'm sure he won't mind if we stay out here a wee bit longer"

Kel nodded her head. She felt embarrassed of being caught while she was an emotional wreck.

They stayed in that position longer than they had when the two went on patrol. She then felt his arm sling across her shoulders, tugging her closer to him, then pulling her off the ground. They stood in silence.

"You ready?" he enquired gently.

"Let's go see Meathead" replied a composed Kel with a smile.

**52. A different kind of Hope**

"Why did it take you so long to return to us?"

Neal didn't reply immediately, he collected his thoughts, stored them away, ready to answer.

" I'd seen someone, something and it had captured my undivided attention. I wanted to stay, to resist the pull of the Lioness, but it persuaded me not to. It spoke to me, comforted me, and reassured me."

Neal paused, but neither Dom nor Kel told him to continue, they simply waited for him, not wanting to rush him. They'd been wondering and pondering for almost 2 years, waiting for Neal to tell them in his own time as to what was holding him back in the realm he was trapped inside of when he was gutted with a dagger.

"It had taken the form of a dove and it spoke to me. It knew me…and somehow I knew it."

Neal sighed. After that small ordeal, he was shaky for months that followed, unable to participate in battle. But what kept him going was the memory of the dove.

"I was speaking to my son, had Yuki not miscarried. His wings were so white, whiter than the clouds themselves," he said with a wistful sigh before continuing. "I don't remember the entire conversation, but I do remember his final words, and that's what brought me back here, to Yuki, my father, to the both of you"

He looked to Kel and Dom; the two had grown closer since the incident and more affectionate towards each other, though they wouldn't admit it. It was a slow but working progress. As for him and Yuki, he smiled at the bundle in his arms, his first born daughter was fast asleep, perhaps communicating with her dove like brother.

"He'd said, "In times of war and despair, there is always hope."

Kel and Dom watched as a stray tear slid down Neal's cheek and onto his sleeping daughters face, causing her to stir. But Hope remained asleep.

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A/N: that took me a long while. Im not sure I even followed the format of themes. I just wanted an excuse to have a condensed a story. I'm hoping Kel wasn't too OC or anyone else for that matter and that it didn't lack emotion. Although I do think that I might have accidentally made Neal a tad bit emotional for a grown man. I just thought that he would be typically over excited, and the sudden news would be like a kick in the stomach. Hopefully it made sense, I wrote this in hope that I could get rid of my writers block for "the journey".

Anyway, I'd really appreciate reviews and your thoughts. (=


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